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Bands That Even the RIAA Doesn't Care About

Early in the summer of 2003, my friends and I were in a local record store (Manifest Discs and Tapes changed to Earshot), and after looking at all of our HOT FAVORITES, we strolled over to the used section. I had a great and inexpensive idea: we could buy like a billion one-dollar cds.... totally.

So, when I yelled, "Let's buy like a billion one-dollar cds over the course of the summer," my friends said, "UM, how about NO, that's a GAY IDEA!" However, when we walked to the exact spot where this inexpensive (unless in bulk) strategy would take place, they all went, "HEY LET'S GET ONE OF THESE..." and I cried for the next 15 minutes.

Throughout the summer, our purchases totalled SEVENTEEN CDs and $16.50 (some were a little less than a buck), and the results of the splurge have been... well... interesting. Something to remember is that THERE IS A REASON that these CDs are in a DOLLAR PILE. Some of them may still be good, and we received a bargain.... or not.


The Results

The CDs we bought ranged from total crap to decent, and two years ago, I summarized my opinions about the CDs - rather childishly. Now (as of my writing, two weeks away from 2007), I have revised the page a little...

Alcohol - Grain
Regular Price: $7.99
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: The vocalist is Scott Stapp/Layne Staley. The music is a hybrid of Led Zeppelin and Conway Twitty.

Song Highlights: The best song is "On My Mind", though it has banjos, and we all know that banjos are evil.

The worst song is "Next Time."

Straining vocals and banjos, Guitar and bass, Drums and country.

Every other song on the CD sucks so much that I feel like burning the CD before someone tricks me with a "close your eyes and guess who" game, because I don't want to accidentally hurt them for trying.

If you see this CD, leave it and walk away with the knowledge that you saved your money and.... Someone may like this music, but I don't see how. The cover art is pretty amazing too.

 

Appliance - Manual
Regular Price: $15.98
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Syd Barrett and Godspeed You! Black Emperor minus the compelling originality of either

Song Highlights: The best song on the cd is "Food Music"

The worst song is "Pacifica"

This CD was most likely only put in the dollar bin because it says APPLICANCE MANUAL on it instead of the band's actual name of Appliance.

Appliance has one detracting factor on this album: their songs lack much in the way of variation. Formally, they are similar, and they are all based around the low drone of the E strings of their instruments.

I enjoy this CD more than almost all of the others, and if the band didn't suffer from Static-X syndrome, their music might then be great.

 

A - Monkey Kong
Regular Price: $1.89 - $20.00
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Blink 182

Song Highlights: The best song is "If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It."

The worst song is "Down on the Floor"

This was the first CD we ever bought, since the cover art is very sexy. Unfortunately, it was too pop-punk for us.

The preconception of the fact that "Monkey Kong " means that it is going to be inspired by Donkey Kong is very very very very very false.

In fact, we hated this CD so much, we were almost worried to keep buying them, but after we realized that we could yell "HEY MICKEY, YOU'RE SO FINE, YOU'RE SO FINE YOU BLOW MY MIND HEY MICKEY! HEY MICKEY!" all of the time with "If It Ain't Broke....", it wasn't so bad. Or at least that song wasn't.

I don't ever want to hear this entire CD straight through.

 

Cosmic Baby - Thinking About Myself
Regular Price: $15.98
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: The Orb + John Tesh

Song Highlights: Best - "Herbst In Berlin"

Worst - "Another Day In Another City"

Thinking About Myself is a techno-piano masterpiece (I guess). It is generally decent, but the piano improvisation gets annoying.

If you like techno and pianos, you will like this CD.

 

Cupcakes - Advance CD
no picture could be attained
Regular Price: no info
Our Price: $0.50
Sounds Like: Crap
Song Highlights: I do not like any of them
I can't find anything about this CD anywhere, and it is apparent as to why when I try to listen to it.

 

Division #9 - The True Creator
Regular Price: no info
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Music from HBO Porn
Song Highlights: The middle of any song is just as good as the middle of the rest. They are all almost the same song. "See the Light" is the best one.

Besides the fact that song #3 should be played during a hockey fight, this cd is okay background music. It is labeled as Hard/Body Trance, and I guess that's what it is.

Not bad, but not spectacular either.

 

Eric Idle presents The Rutland Isles
Regular Price: $17.98
Our Price: $2.00
Sounds Like: Monty Python (wonder why?)
Song Highlights: "Killing for God" is funny and so is "Gay Animal Song" but the CD is not really music, it is all comedy.

It's funny (or kinda funny), but I would never buy it unless with the contribution of funds from my friends.

If you want comedy, here it is. It is not music.

 

Grither - All Smiles
Regular Price: $0.89-$4.00
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Generic early-90s 'Alternative'
Song Highlights: "Repetitive Song of Joy" is annoying and so is the opening "One Piece Missing"

Well, considering how we almost paid MORE for this one than it is worth (and it was only a dollar), what do you expect? There were definitely no smiles listening to this one.

Though I'd rather listen to it than REVIS, that's not saying much.

Let's face the facts, no one is really looking forward to Grither's second or tertiary release.... because they didn't like the first one. [Insert some scathing, uneducated comment here]

 

Perfec - Best Kept Secret
Regular Price: $16.98
Our Price: $0.50
Sounds Like: Rap
Song Highlights: "Intro" and "First Date (skit)" are hilarious. They're very serious, but SO unintentionally funny!

Rap, as a genre, in my opinion, is hilarious. This is no disappointment to that doctrine. Perfec actually verbalizes that dick repellant repels women from his wang, not that his wang would be repelled from him.

Perfec is by no means Perfect, that's why he dropped the T.... If you want good rap, pick up the T and listen to CRAZY T!

 

Revis - Caught in the Rain
Regular Price: Not for Sale (promo)
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Creed, Puddle of Mud, etc.
Song Highlights: There is only one song.... and it is so much crap....

My sister was at the procuring party when this CD was got.... and she somehow overlooked the name REVIS, since it looked interesting...

When the CD was played for the first time, she recognized the song, and apologize in disgust for, as she put it, "I can't discern the difference between all of the crappy bands on the radio that sound exactly alike. Their names mean nothing and I would never remember REVIS."

This is my 100% hate CD. If only she had remembered, she could have spared us from this tragedy in plastic.

Since I originally wrote this, the band broke up. Damn. It was a good run guys.

 

Sunny Ledfurd - The White Disk
Regular Price: $18.98
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Wishes he sounded like Vanilla Ice and Fred Durst

Song Highlights: "If you got 36 prostitutes and 30 cents in your pocket, whachu got? PROOF THAT HOES COME A DIME A DOZEN BABY!"

That is the highlight... from Pimpin' Ain't Easy (and then Jamaica arrives)

Sunny Ledfurd is, um.... CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!!!

I read on a review while I was looking for information on this CD that "Sunny Ledfurd's band knew how to play rock before they moved to rap, because they're really good." And I had to pee on their review, so I printed it and peed on it.

I can't stand Ledfurd. Send it to his reps!

 

Sebastian Rogers - Repeat
Regular Price: no info
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Ben Harper and lullabies
Song Highlights: Read it and Weep's first lyrics sound exactly like "Jack off the heart's on the sleeves. Jack off the faith in my face."

I warned my friends that the name SEBASTIAN is a shady name for a recording artist, and I was definitely right. He sings like Ben Harper, yet he has a song called Closer to My God Than Thee, so if that gives you any idea...

The music isn't awful, but I just don't really like it. Maybe Justin from American Idol could be Sebastian's friend...

 

Slick Sixty - Nibs and Nabs
Regular Price: $15.98
Our Price: $0.50
Sounds Like: Electronica

Song Highlights: Best Song - "Hillary, Last of the Pool Sharks"

Worst Song - "Someone Else's Square"

The entire CD is very good. Definitely my favorite out of all of these CDs. I adopted the fat wrestler and put him into my CD collection after the second listen. The opening drumbeat of "Margo's B&B" is just HOT.

It is kind of unaggressive, and that is really its only fault. I listen to this CD rather often, but mostly as background music.

 

Senseless Things - The First of Too Many
Regular Price: $0.44 - $9.98 - $15.00
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: The Rembrandts (Friends, anyone?)
Song Highlights: All similar

This CD suffers from poor mixing. The music is about 35% the volume of the lyrics. The musicianship is good, and the harmonies are nice, but it doesn't possess anything special.

Not good enough for the radio (assuming the radio is good at all), and if anyone ever wanted it, I would give it to them in a heartbeat.... for free [except that I sold it back]

 

Trent Boswell - Flagship
Regular Price: $14.99
Our Price: $1.00
Sounds Like: Attempts at Led Zeppelin, passes more for Bob Dylan
Song Highlights: "Free Wind (Hill Side)" contains some extremely well thought out lyrics, including "when I... saw... a beautiful.... girl.... coming... tawd me"

The band is tight, and the recording is good, but somehow Mr. Boswell didn't take much time in checking the integrity of his music. It is quite common, run-of-the-mill stuff, but it isn't BAD run-of-the-mill...

It's very good mediocre.

 

Xen Cuts vol. 1 and 2
Regular Price: (all three cds) $18.99
Our Price: (two cds) $2.00
Sounds Like: Mostly Medeski Martin and Wood remixed by Dr. Dre

Song Highlights: The Xen to One Ratio (vol 1) and The Joy of X (vol 2) are really similarly annoying.

Showtime (vol 2) by Big Dada Sound is very fun to listen to

Volume one is just bad. It is jazzy rap, and I definitely don't like it.

Volume two is quite agreeable to me, because it is jazzy electronica... or at least what I've heard of it. Never pay full price for this CD.

So there you have it, short, unwitty reviews of pretty shitty music. Two years later, we sold most of these CDs back to the same store... and we got about $20 for them! Suckas!

Well, now go look in all of your nearby stores and pick up the same collection! It'll be FUN!

- Alex