The Emails of My Eye
When the Land of the Crazy Face was initially
completed, I made a section entitled HUMOR thinking that I was funny
and dedicated enough to make new, hilarious content each month to be
placed there. I was very wrong, and the original E-mail Humor page lived
there for over a year. It has now been edited and augmented to include
some MORE of my favorite emails!
I have had a working, living, breathing
email address since Yahoo! started offering free email, but for the
longest time, no one emailed me! When my friends finally began to sprout
online, my email account was filled like a cement truck. The people
who emailed me, however, suffered from unable-to-type-itus and letter-replacement-syndrome (why=y, you=u). Some people just
assumed that I new what they were talking about. I have sifted through
all of the emails I have kept to find the strangest and funniest ones
for YOUR enjoyment!
Those people that have emailed me in the
past have, no doubt, soiled themselves at least once to think that they
might in fact be glorified on the internet for their stupidity, but
I have given EVERYONE a nickname! Wanna know who they really are?
When I first launched
this website (TurkeyWorld.org - originally a website dedicated to
the downtrodden birds), one of my geeky acquaintances decided that he
wanted to ask me all of the questions he could. He wanted me to bow
down to his superior computer knowledge, however mine
was (ahem, arrogance coming) far more advanced than his puny mind could
even understand ;-)
The first email I received was in regards
to the fact that I renamed myself Craig Jefferson for about a
whole year (check my whois info if you don't believe me), and of course
HE NEEDED SOME HELP...
|Alex, your alter ego is acting up again.
anyway...seen my site yet? (yes you have)what should I do to
Why did he ask me the questio8n (yes, the 8 is there on purpose) if he knew the answer all ready??????????????????. Now, this one is
funny for those technologically-gifted few in the world... He had a
corrupted file? I'm so glad he enjoys my websites so much.
|noticed my site lately, I had a problem with
a corrupted file, had to remake the whole page. I desperately need
a place for a picture, because my host does not allow hot-linking,
and I need it for my site search. If I could upload the one, tiny
picture to one of your GREAT sites...I wo8uld be most gracious.
RAVEN had a brother... We'll name him CROW!
Well, CROW wasn't to be outdone by his brother, he wanted to
email the great and powerful Face as well, so he did...
|i am downloading your new editor right now.
It looks alot better than the old one. also saw your site, its also
alot better. i was thinking of making a photo editing program, the
main reason is because im tired of using these POS programs like
MGI that always screw up your picture. I am trying to multi task,
write this, update my site, and fid new downloads all at the same
When I try to multi task, I usually have a hard
time as well, especially when trying to FID NEW DOWNLOADS ALL OF THE
TIME! I don't remember why, but for some reason I suggested some things
to CROW about his site, then he got so so so excited, he sent me this.
|cool, fire a way! i am kind of on a low for
ideas on how to make it better right now. I want to take away the
top ten page, and put the ratings on the actual downloads page.
That way i can change the top ten page into a form page so that
the submitter's email doesn't have to open. What other ideas do
I just really like the FIRE AWAY aspect... that's
all... Here is a simple one, from someone else... the
entire email read as follows:
There was absolutely nothing else. No name
or even the proper interrogation mark (which of course as you'll see
is rarely ever used in emails). Remember RAVEN? Well,
there was another person that believed truly that he was the master
of the internet... I once told him that his website was stupid, and
he replied with the following (yes, " " was
in the email):
ok listen here, and listen good. my
site is good, u here me, thats right
GOOD. ok the url 4 my site is --> TotallyAbsurd
go to it right now!!!!
No name was given, and... well, TotallyAbsurd is not a URL in any sort of form.
I've also received emails thanking me for
great work... To the next person, I said nothing and did nothing. I
don't know what I was being thanked for.
its great, well done
good luck for future
ANCHORBOY is a pseudonym
provided by me for this person. In a later email from him, here is a
line. He'd never heard me play the guitar before (there was no way he
could), but luckily he appreciated it anyway.
|"...thanks for the music
i think you like really to play the guitar and thinking about songlines..."
This is all very flattering and it makes
me feel special, however it's extremely strange. The following two emails
are a bit scary, and they are from the same person. Both are printed
in their entirety (no edits).
||Just seeing what
u doing see ya school
||What is up ???????
Just seeing what u doing . And replying to e-mail.
See ya at school.
Email #1 was great. I understood it, but
didn't know how to reply to it exactly. Upon reading it a second time,
I realized that I OWNED A SCHOOL, and he was going to see it! YES!
Email #2 scares me now, as does #1 when
I think about it. He tells me he is just "seeing what I doing."
Does that mean that he planted a voyeur camera at my house? Is he watching
me? And replying to e-mail? AHHH!!!
The following is short and sweet. In my
emails, I have a signature that says "...And be sure to check out
my website..." then it gives the address. Now, here's the thing,
certain people find this frightening and they respond with...
|this is ginger again i was just wondering WHY
THE HELL AM I BEING
HARASSED BY ALL THIS "GO TO MY WEB SITE" CRAP????!!!!!!!
THANKS SO MUCH!
Later, I remember hearing that she was
thrown into a nut-house. We're almost finished here! I think that the
best ones have been hoarded very well (like acorns for a large squirrel),
and it is time to unveil them!
Being a software company by myself (yes,
I am a company), I get technical support emails sporadically. Once,
I received this one... Read it for the words used, not for the understanding
you get from it.
I downloaded your website thing but i don't have the thing to
unzip it. I had it but i deleted it. Can you tell me where to get
I'm not quite sure how I responded, it
was too long ago. Here's another one. If I could respond to it again,
I might say "Well, we like to call him Bob!"
|what's your websites name again.
DANNY supplied me with another
wonderful specimen as well. I think he wanted my screen name on AOL
Instant Messenger, however...
alex how do you im u.
danny or your daddy
If I chose "your daddy," would
I have become his child? Is this like a choose-your-own-ending book? CHACK'N POP also emailed me once, and I tell ya, it was a good
|hey alex this is chack'n. wwwell i gotta go
that was so
stid but i will talk longer later
If it was a little less stid, it probably wouldn't be
on here. Later that same year, I received an email from the notorious SAND WIZARD. Earlier in the year, some of our 7th grade class
got to take the real SAT as part of an academic program.
|Hey Alex, this is The Sand Wizard. You really
me that well. I found your address on your band's
website. You have some pretty good music. What was
your score on the SAT? I made a 1030. Pretty good,
huh? You probably made higher than me. Type back.
The Sand Wizard
I replied, "Good job, Sand Wizard! I made an 1140...."
and he never ever emailed me again... In March or so of 2003, I suddenly
received an email from someone I DIDN'T KNOW!!!! (gasp!) She will be
known as THE FLAPPING PENGUIN. I'm positive that she doesn't
mean to send her emails to me, but I haven't emailed her back for the
embarassment she would feel...
|Hey buddy! guess who? It's me Flapping Penguin. Monday u have
to talk to me.k. So whats going on? nmh. Just surfing on the web,
and writing u. Any new crushes? Did u here me and Zach Prettyman
since oct. 31. Here r the 2 guys that i know like Alex: J**h M***e
and G****r M***e. She hates them sooo much because they r little
brats.g2g seeya, flappinpeng32341
The *s are there for posterity! In
response to the current incarnation of the site, here are two emails
I received from different folks... The first one warms my heart (I'm
glad to know it seems interesting music), but the second one scares
me... My dad TOOK luwixon.com!? and my only alternative is to make him
a program!? OH NO!
| it seems interesting music keep up the good work...
How are you ? i think your father take luwixon.com so i cant
download Alex's HTML editor
or you can make a small program for RealAudio stream creator
becoz i have over 5000 .rm files need .ram files :)
It's time for the GRAND FINALE! My favorite
three emails all from the same person... "#1 BMX KING FOR LIFE"
is what he wanted his signature to say, but.... here you go... enjoy...
(Name has been changed to "Henry" to preserve his good name)
||might stay in florida 4 2 weeks.
#1 BMX KING 4LFE
||Hey sexy!!!! im writing u back i
got to go soon so want be long.what r u doing n/m/h just thinking
about you. well this is nothing like yours but i have to go now
sorry!!!!!!!!!love ya!!!byby Henry love you!!!!!!
#1 BMX KING 4LFE
||alex write me a e-mailbecouse no
one has yet and im sad.pease out you musical talented person. fag
jj/kk ha im so horney j/k again. well got to go love ya, what, j/k
get down henry junior,j/k later talented girl sorry boy, little
boy later man. it's me ,lynerd hahahaha!! henry [I no this note
did not make no sense at all, god im so dumb] later. Henry
#1 BMX KING 4LFE
After the credits rolled, A new email showed itself...
this time FROM CrazyFace to his own sister! GASP! This email was from
the time when CrazyFace didn't know any better than CAPSLOCK FOR EVERYTHING...
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR PLAYING FRISBEE &
BALL WITH ME. SORRY
FOR HITTING YOUR LEG.
p.s.-please play again tommorrow