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The Emails of My Eye

When the Land of the Crazy Face was initially completed, I made a section entitled HUMOR thinking that I was funny and dedicated enough to make new, hilarious content each month to be placed there. I was very wrong, and the original E-mail Humor page lived there for over a year. It has now been edited and augmented to include some MORE of my favorite emails!

I have had a working, living, breathing email address since Yahoo! started offering free email, but for the longest time, no one emailed me! When my friends finally began to sprout online, my email account was filled like a cement truck. The people who emailed me, however, suffered from unable-to-type-itus and letter-replacement-syndrome (why=y, you=u). Some people just assumed that I new what they were talking about. I have sifted through all of the emails I have kept to find the strangest and funniest ones for YOUR enjoyment!

Those people that have emailed me in the past have, no doubt, soiled themselves at least once to think that they might in fact be glorified on the internet for their stupidity, but I have given EVERYONE a nickname! Wanna know who they really are? Too bad...

When I first launched this website (TurkeyWorld.org - originally a website dedicated to the downtrodden birds), one of my geeky acquaintances decided that he wanted to ask me all of the questions he could. He wanted me to bow down to his superior computer knowledge, however mine was (ahem, arrogance coming) far more advanced than his puny mind could even understand ;-)

The first email I received was in regards to the fact that I renamed myself Craig Jefferson for about a whole year (check my whois info if you don't believe me), and of course HE NEEDED SOME HELP...

Alex, your alter ego is acting up again.

anyway...seen my site yet? (yes you have)what should I do to
it?????????????????????????

Raven

Why did he ask me the questio8n (yes, the 8 is there on purpose) if he knew the answer all ready??????????????????. Now, this one is funny for those technologically-gifted few in the world... He had a corrupted file? I'm so glad he enjoys my websites so much.

noticed my site lately, I had a problem with a corrupted file, had to remake the whole page. I desperately need a place for a picture, because my host does not allow hot-linking, and I need it for my site search. If I could upload the one, tiny picture to one of your GREAT sites...I wo8uld be most gracious.

raven

RAVEN had a brother... We'll name him CROW! Well, CROW wasn't to be outdone by his brother, he wanted to email the great and powerful Face as well, so he did...

i am downloading your new editor right now. It looks alot better than the old one. also saw your site, its also alot better. i was thinking of making a photo editing program, the main reason is because im tired of using these POS programs like MGI that always screw up your picture. I am trying to multi task, write this, update my site, and fid new downloads all at the same time. g2g

-crow

When I try to multi task, I usually have a hard time as well, especially when trying to FID NEW DOWNLOADS ALL OF THE TIME! I don't remember why, but for some reason I suggested some things to CROW about his site, then he got so so so excited, he sent me this.

cool, fire a way! i am kind of on a low for ideas on how to make it better right now. I want to take away the top ten page, and put the ratings on the actual downloads page. That way i can change the top ten page into a form page so that the submitter's email doesn't have to open. What other ideas do you have?

-crow

I just really like the FIRE AWAY aspect... that's all... Here is a simple one, from someone else... the entire email read as follows:

do you use the AIM

There was absolutely nothing else. No name or even the proper interrogation mark (which of course as you'll see is rarely ever used in emails). Remember RAVEN? Well, there was another person that believed truly that he was the master of the internet... I once told him that his website was stupid, and he replied with the following (yes, " " was in the email):

helloooo,

  ok listen here, and listen good.  my site is good, u here me, thats right

GOOD.  ok the url 4 my site is --> TotallyAbsurd

go to it right now!!!!

No name was given, and... well, TotallyAbsurd is not a URL in any sort of form.

I've also received emails thanking me for great work... To the next person, I said nothing and did nothing. I don't know what I was being thanked for.

hi alex
thanks
its great, well done
good luck for future
anchorboy

ANCHORBOY is a pseudonym provided by me for this person. In a later email from him, here is a line. He'd never heard me play the guitar before (there was no way he could), but luckily he appreciated it anyway.

"...thanks for the music
i think you like really to play the guitar and thinking about songlines..."

This is all very flattering and it makes me feel special, however it's extremely strange. The following two emails are a bit scary, and they are from the same person. Both are printed in their entirety (no edits).

#1 Just seeing what u doing see ya school
#2 What is up ??????? Just seeing what u doing . And replying to e-mail.
See ya at school.

Email #1 was great. I understood it, but didn't know how to reply to it exactly. Upon reading it a second time, I realized that I OWNED A SCHOOL, and he was going to see it! YES!

Email #2 scares me now, as does #1 when I think about it. He tells me he is just "seeing what I doing." Does that mean that he planted a voyeur camera at my house? Is he watching me? And replying to e-mail? AHHH!!!

The following is short and sweet. In my emails, I have a signature that says "...And be sure to check out my website..." then it gives the address. Now, here's the thing, certain people find this frightening and they respond with...

this is ginger again i was just wondering WHY THE HELL AM I BEING
HARASSED BY ALL THIS "GO TO MY WEB SITE" CRAP????!!!!!!!
THANKS SO MUCH!
ginger b*

Later, I remember hearing that she was thrown into a nut-house. We're almost finished here! I think that the best ones have been hoarded very well (like acorns for a large squirrel), and it is time to unveil them!

Being a software company by myself (yes, I am a company), I get technical support emails sporadically. Once, I received this one... Read it for the words used, not for the understanding you get from it.

Hey,
I downloaded your website thing but i don't have the thing to
unzip it. I had it but i deleted it. Can you tell me where to get it.

I'm not quite sure how I responded, it was too long ago. Here's another one. If I could respond to it again, I might say "Well, we like to call him Bob!"

what's your websites name again.

Danny

DANNY supplied me with another wonderful specimen as well. I think he wanted my screen name on AOL Instant Messenger, however...

alex how do you im u.
        danny or your daddy

If I chose "your daddy," would I have become his child? Is this like a choose-your-own-ending book? CHACK'N POP also emailed me once, and I tell ya, it was a good day.

hey alex this is chack'n. wwwell i gotta go that was so
stid but i will talk longer later
bye,
~chack'n pop

If it was a little less stid, it probably wouldn't be on here. Later that same year, I received an email from the notorious SAND WIZARD. Earlier in the year, some of our 7th grade class got to take the real SAT as part of an academic program.

Hey Alex, this is The Sand Wizard. You really don't know
me that well. I found your address on your band's
website. You have some pretty good music. What was
your score on the SAT? I made a 1030. Pretty good,
huh? You probably made higher than me. Type back.

Sincerely,
The Sand Wizard

I replied, "Good job, Sand Wizard! I made an 1140...." and he never ever emailed me again... In March or so of 2003, I suddenly received an email from someone I DIDN'T KNOW!!!! (gasp!) She will be known as THE FLAPPING PENGUIN. I'm positive that she doesn't mean to send her emails to me, but I haven't emailed her back for the embarassment she would feel...

Hey buddy! guess who? It's me Flapping Penguin. Monday u have to talk to me.k. So whats going on? nmh. Just surfing on the web, and writing u. Any new crushes? Did u here me and Zach Prettyman since oct. 31. Here r the 2 guys that i know like Alex: J**h M***e and G****r M***e. She hates them sooo much because they r little brats.g2g seeya, flappinpeng32341

p.s WB

The *s are there for posterity! In response to the current incarnation of the site, here are two emails I received from different folks... The first one warms my heart (I'm glad to know it seems interesting music), but the second one scares me... My dad TOOK luwixon.com!? and my only alternative is to make him a program!? OH NO!

it seems interesting music keep up the good work...

and

Hi,

How are you ? i think your father take luwixon.com so i cant download Alex's HTML editor

or you can make a small program for RealAudio stream creator becoz i have over 5000 .rm files need .ram files :)

thanks

Warm Regards,

Crabapple

It's time for the GRAND FINALE! My favorite three emails all from the same person... "#1 BMX KING FOR LIFE" is what he wanted his signature to say, but.... here you go... enjoy... (Name has been changed to "Henry" to preserve his good name)

#1 might stay in florida 4 2 weeks. later.
Henry
#1 BMX KING 4LFE
#2 Hey sexy!!!! im writing u back i got to go soon so want be long.what r u doing n/m/h just thinking about you. well this is nothing like yours but i have to go now sorry!!!!!!!!!love ya!!!byby Henry love you!!!!!!
#1 BMX KING 4LFE
#3 alex write me a e-mailbecouse no one has yet and im sad.pease out you musical talented person. fag jj/kk ha im so horney j/k again. well got to go love ya, what, j/k get down henry junior,j/k later talented girl sorry boy, little boy later man. it's me ,lynerd hahahaha!! henry [I no this note did not make no sense at all, god im so dumb] later. Henry
#1 BMX KING 4LFE

 

After the credits rolled, A new email showed itself... this time FROM CrazyFace to his own sister! GASP! This email was from the time when CrazyFace didn't know any better than CAPSLOCK FOR EVERYTHING...

HI ZOE.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR PLAYING FRISBEE &
BALL WITH ME. SORRY
FOR HITTING YOUR LEG.
LOVE,
ALEX

p.s.-please play again tommorrow

Don't worry, young child... we shall play again "tommorrow"...