Clowny called Sir Duke
Bad names under his breath
He was extremely joyful, years later,
At KING Duke's homicidal death
"She's done it," sang the little peasant
"She jumped from her regal tower!"
And that she had, with all her weight,
Jumped, disregarding her power
Her eyes fell at a slower rate,
And almost jumped through her head
Slowly, with her parachute,
The princess hit SO hard. Dead?
She had committed suicide
And flopped in the end,
As a fish in a pool of liquid soap.
He was ordained
And he got out of the house
He now complains
That no one else does the same
Too bad he doesn't know a single
For... who knows why he got the job!?!?
Oh, the stupid ruler
A queen is what she's named
She seemed to be much cooler
When she, in fact, was shamed
Her haughty walk and her ever-changing umbrella
If she was a man,
She'd be a stupid fella'
But she's not.
THE MORON WHO THOUGHT HE WAS A JESTER
He slapped a knee.
He pointed at me.
"You don't listen when I say it won't be
pertinent for recall."
But I heard, and when it became paradox,
I had missed them all.
Jester's aren't funny.
Nor are their pranks.
Love is like a chair
That you don't know is there
Though when you really need to sit
That chair is ready to take it
Love is like a table
Nice, sturdy, stable
You put your things on it that you must
And the solid table you can trust
I love my dog I do
More than I love you
I think you're nice and I like you and all
But my dog is the hottest, and not quite as small.
My cat is hairy like a mitten
And its new child is the SEXIEST kitten
I like it to scratch me, you know what I mean
What I do with my animals is obscene.
It glides down the street and leaves a streak
Though its driver is a dorky geek
It looks like an overgrown green submarine
But it has wheels and a yellow sheen
If a cop pulled it over he would need a lasso
Because the whole thing is made of glass..
Nevermind, I made all that up.
MR. SLIMY, THE DOCTOR
What would be greater than having a lung?
Possibly three, and one of them gray.
What would be greater than having a tongue?
Oh, dear me
mine's gone today
In the morning I drink my juice, it's brown
After that, I put on my crown
A nice little hat, it's kind of round.
And looks like a small paper bowl.
I were good a night
I were good a day
They was good in spite
Of the farmer's hay.
Ma'am I can smell whut's in that pot
And sense you'z cryin' I guess you burned.
I think that sugar boilin' is hot.
When the bubbles fly, you shoulda' turnd.
Sure smels sweet like roachs and pie
Is that a fly in your eye?
Ma'am I see that yor arms all num
But whut is for supper tonite
I beleev that you greesd up yor thum
But what was it for?
I am confused
Is that spicy?
JACK THE CRAZY FERRIS WHEEL MAN
I once knew a man, his name was Ted.
His face was really really red.
Would you believe that he went to the park
And that red turned out to ignite by spark
Ted was flaming and running all around
Until some water was what he found
He tried to put his flaming hair out of its misery
BUT Ted is now gone
It's a mystery.
GREG, THE PRESIDENT OF THE YURI
Elected into office on one fine morn'
Greg, however was addicted to porn
All through his days the tv was blaring
And to the children those noises were scaring
The people of Yuri, they knew not what to do.
Get rid of Greg, and elect
The nation of Yuri
knew not what to do..
Who would tell Greg bye: me
I bid him farewell at the train station
And I found a note
"Porno Greg, we don't want you in the Yuri Nation!"
ODE TO A MUFFIN
A big bear said to the man
"Sir, I will eat your hand"
A small hippopotamus talked to a little bird
"You are the ugliest I've ever heard"
A pink and blue bruise happened to talk.
Everyone ran... In a herd.
Nature is beautiful,
It's extremely glad.
This is the best afternoon
I've ever had.
FRENCH-FRIED CACTUS LEAVES
Tim was a scientist... A MAD one at that
He performed experiments boiled in fat
He captured an armallo and dissected its head
What he didn't know was that the armallo wasn't yet dead
He poked at his brains, he played with his feet
But the armallo said "Gee, you are neat!"
WORDS PART ONE
WHEELER THE JACKRABBIT
Oh, the saddest I've never seen
Would be a rabbit that could not hop
And rather than jump the rabbit would roll
Into the town,
A young man would frown...
But yet the bunny had brakes
And with them he came to a stop
If I were a bath item I'd be
I'd be played with, but not violated
When the bath is drained, I wouldn't
I could be the toy of choice of
I got a jar
Of pig's pods pickled
I took one out and touched it
I wonder if it tickled...
I am getting....
BIRD SEED WIRE
The sad mudskipper ate his meal
And flipped around some more, ready to steal
Because you see, John, the 'skipper was a terrible thief
He got his best items from the coral reef.
They need to invent modular heat
No need for coats, warm on your feet.
Oh wait, I'm confused...
It's portable not modular, that would be neat.
I opened the door
I saw a mask
Of a scientist
With a flask
I DRIVE GOOD
I got my lie, since
The other day I gave it to another man
It's time to eat
For desert I'll call Fran
Why do you look at me like that?
Do I seem to have a crazy hat?
I will notice soon that your brain doesn't work
And when I tell you, don't be a jerk
I want to be as honest with you as I can
But please take the truth well Jan
I would like to tell you what you've done in the past
But if your memory is bad, you might forget again.
Or yell in a rut
My typewriter broke
The other day
I went to the next line
The enter key broke
I was melancholy
But later jolly
Because for my birthday
I got a new key
If I were to compare life to
I'd not know where to start.
But if I thought
It would be a cathode-ray tube.
A hand is
At the end of
The arm highway...
Who will pass it?
Who will try?
BOTTOM STICKY NOTE
If I were sad,
I'd ponder about how
Luck am I.
The bottom sticky note
In a stack is neglected
Like the ground.
Before you go to the laboratory
Wash your hands in the lavatory
That's the end of this story,
There are no more pages
With millions of dollars
I'd buy lots of things.
Bread, and diamond rings!
But I have no money
And I am a loner!
I played da' game
I played da' stuff
I had uh relee
I wish that we would have won.
The hose in my yard:
I water the rose.
The nose on my face:
I smell the rose
It gets a lot of attention.
YOU'RE NOT NICE
I hate your presence
You are really mean
Why are you so dirty?
'Cause you're not clean!
It helps me eat
It would help feet.
If I made shoes,
I could make a cleat!
BEAVER THE BOBCAT
In the harsh world of the jungle there are...
Things to know, plants do grow.
In the world of the bobcat,
There are tigers,
Don't name the baby "Beaver"!
THE BIRTH OF BIRDS
In a dome of heat,
The poor, starving children
Then, they are born again,
The dome removed.
And they engage in mud wrestling,
LEND OUT YOUR FEAR
Give me your ears
Listen to me shriek!
Be very scared,
I am a freak.
John was a postmaster,
A good one you see.
He never went home,
Not even at 3:00!
Ted found his body,
A human raisin,
OTTO THE MOTTO BOY
Otto was a sad little boy
He had a piece of paper,
His favorite toy,
It was laminated for him.
On it was his favorite motto,
Remember my good friend Stan?
Who's mother's name is Fran?
Dude, I'm hawngry,
Man I want some food.
Misses Ma'am give me that porkchop
Never mind, that ain't good.
I want some salad,
With chicken embryos.
Thanks, that'll be swell!
Every year I'd retreat back to
And they'd exclaim WHAT I DID was
But my summer never was
RULER OF PASTA BEAN
The yeasty noodle,
The beasty bean.
Both wanted to
Have a glassy sheen.
But their father, the chef,
Had better plans,
They were eaten.
I loved my school's maintenance guy,
He was the coolest dude ever!
You'd never see him working
(I thought that was clever)
Everyone else worked for themselves,
It was bad...
He was fired...
ADDRESSING A DEER
Bust is to burst
As worse is to cursed.
Bad is to bad,
As purse is to first.
Or maybe not,
Don't ask me!
TWENTY PIECES OF JUICE
I went to the bar
It wasn't too far,
And I asked for
A piece of Juice!
"We're sorry son,
We have none!"
MEMWARS TOO UHN OLD FREND DAT LEFF
I had me a good frend!
They was mo' den dat tuh me!
But mah' frend leff me and
Now I'm Lone-ly!
I'll never see mah frend agin I don't bee leev!
So Ay'll stay...
REMEMBER THE CHILD
The boy, he would toss the football...
The boy, he would drink water from the stream.
The girl, she would live across the street.
The girl, she would throw sticks and stones.
Remember the children...
Have their images...
As sturdy as your bones
Add B to Ryan and out comes
Only if the B doesn't sting
Add cheese to bread and cook real good.
Bryan loves his sandwich.
THE GOLDEN MISTRESS
The moniker monk
LARRY IN LOLLIPOP LAND
Larry liked licking pops!
Lollipops that is.
Larry laughed and licked a lot.
Lately he's licked too many
And he has a large ulcer!
THE FIRST TRY
I never have flown
It looks really scary
I never have driven
What's the need?
I really am thirsty
My stomach goes "Aaah!"
I think I'll have my first
Bite of Milk
Alligator's gnashing mouth with teeth
WHAM! The 'gator got hit
By a flying bird, not the walking kind...
I'm glad Otto had his camera.
At this alligator
A MEAGER MORSEL - THE STARVING EPOCH EPIC
"Oh joy," cried the boy
"Oh rapture, look what we've captured."
The little boar is in their cage
Is he full of rage?
The starved childs and adults of
Have food for now.
In the morning, the caged animal has...
"Where'd it go," cried the boy
"We have no more joy!"
They hunt in the garbage for candy.
It, the year 1702 in Slovakianville
Has driven all the animals out, they were killed.
The inhabitants have no morsel
Not a meager morsel.
A meager morsel, that's all they want
But when they receive one, they eat and forget
Eat and forget
Eat and... remember!
"That pig was good," cried the boy
"Yeah! Yay! Yah!"
They knew about the luck they had
And they were glad!
The storms would come and go again
And they believed, "We're gonna have grub"
But the lightning hit
And burned up their hunting clubs...
Poor Slovakianville, they'll be in our thoughts
And all the eating battles they've fought
If only they could have better been taught
To hunt better.
The rations won't be there,
They will be sad
After the boar made them glad...
Food, the morsels...
The Slovakianville people!