Bloggin?
Articles
Compact Disc Hunt
The Best Emails
Henry Ernesto
Evolution of Turkey World
How to Hack a Website
Make a Movie!
Mister Tister
Cycled Pixel Theory
Price Tag
Legend of Woolsey
What I Wrote Back Then
Music
Video
Pictures
Interactive
Software
Services
Links

Henry Ernesto's Web Glory

Looking through a thrift store, I found a strange mesh-covered book of poetry. It read simply "Ernesto - The Master." I was curious, though I generally don't like poetry, and I tossed open the cover!

I've gathered from all of Henry Ernesto's poems that he was a Baptist-turned-Jewish poet living in New York in the late 1980s. That's it. I know nothing else factual about the legend.

My opinion of his work is this: he's underappreciated as a humorist. Perhaps he was trying to be serious, but it simply didn't work for poor old H.E...

I've typed some of my favorite poems here from the book for you to see, as I don't think it's in print anymore. Enjoy them as I have.



THE POEMS


REGICIDE
Clowny called Sir Duke
    Bad names under his breath
He was extremely joyful, years later,
    At KING Duke's homicidal death

AGONIZING FREEFALL
"She's done it," sang the little peasant
    "She jumped from her regal tower!"
And that she had, with all her weight,
    Jumped, disregarding her power
Her eyes fell at a slower rate,
    And almost jumped through her head
Slowly, with her parachute,
    The princess hit SO hard. Dead?
She had committed suicide
And flopped in the end,
As a fish in a pool of liquid soap.

PRIEST DOLPHIN
He was ordained
    And he got out of the house
He now complains
    That no one else does the same
Too bad he doesn't know a single
    Religious Action
For... who knows why he got the job!?!?

APISH STRIPER
Oh, the stupid ruler
    A queen is what she's named
She seemed to be much cooler
    When she, in fact, was shamed
Her haughty walk and her ever-changing umbrella
If she was a man,
    She'd be a stupid fella'
But she's not.
Stupid Queen.

THE MORON WHO THOUGHT HE WAS A JESTER
He laughed.
He laughed.
He slapped a knee.
He twirled.
He twirled.
He pointed at me.
"You don't listen when I say it won't be
    pertinent for recall."
But I heard, and when it became paradox,
    I had missed them all.
Jester's aren't funny.
Nor are their pranks.

LOVE FURNITURE
Love is like a chair
That you don't know is there
Though when you really need to sit
That chair is ready to take it

Love is like a table
Nice, sturdy, stable
You put your things on it that you must
And the solid table you can trust

PET LUST
I love my dog I do
More than I love you
I think you're nice and I like you and all
But my dog is the hottest, and not quite as small.

My cat is hairy like a mitten
And its new child is the SEXIEST kitten
I like it to scratch me, you know what I mean
What I do with my animals is obscene.

THE INK-MOBILE
It glides down the street and leaves a streak
Though its driver is a dorky geek
It looks like an overgrown green submarine
But it has wheels and a yellow sheen
If a cop pulled it over he would need a lasso
Because the whole thing is made of glass..
Oh…
Nevermind, I made all that up.

MR. SLIMY, THE DOCTOR
What would be greater than having a lung?
Possibly three, and one of them gray.
What would be greater than having a tongue?
Oh, dear me… mine's gone today

YIDDISH POEM
In the morning I drink my juice, it's brown
After that, I put on my crown…
A nice little hat, it's kind of round.
And looks like a small paper bowl.

DUMB PLUMB
I were good a night
I were good a day
They was good in spite
Of the farmer's hay.

HOME-STYLE PEPPERMINT
Ma'am I can smell whut's in that pot
And sense you'z cryin' I guess you burned.
I think that sugar boilin' is hot.
When the bubbles fly, you shoulda' turnd.
Sure smels sweet like roachs and pie
Is that a fly in your eye?

Ma'am I see that yor arms all num
But whut is for supper tonite
I beleev that you greesd up yor thum
But what was it for?
I am confused
Is that spicy?

JACK THE CRAZY FERRIS WHEEL MAN
I once knew a man, his name was Ted.
His face was really really red.
Would you believe that he went to the park
And that red turned out to ignite by spark

Ted was flaming and running all around
Until some water was what he found
He tried to put his flaming hair out of its misery
BUT Ted is now gone… It's a mystery.

GREG, THE PRESIDENT OF THE YURI
Elected into office on one fine morn'
Greg, however was addicted to porn
All through his days the tv was blaring
And to the children those noises were scaring

The people of Yuri, they knew not what to do.
Get rid of Greg, and elect… umm… who?
The nation of Yuri… knew not what to do..
Who would tell Greg bye: me… you?

I bid him farewell at the train station
And I found a note… hmmm….
"Porno Greg, we don't want you in the Yuri Nation!"

ODE TO A MUFFIN
A big bear said to the man
"Sir, I will eat your hand"
A small hippopotamus talked to a little bird
"You are the ugliest I've ever heard"
A pink and blue bruise happened to talk.
Everyone ran... In a herd.

PIGEON TOAD
Nature is beautiful,
It's extremely glad.
This is the best afternoon
I've ever had.

FRENCH-FRIED CACTUS LEAVES
Tim was a scientist... A MAD one at that
He performed experiments boiled in fat
He captured an armallo and dissected its head
What he didn't know was that the armallo wasn't yet dead
He poked at his brains, he played with his feet
But the armallo said "Gee, you are neat!"

WORDS PART ONE
Cool man
Neat man
Rain man
Sleet man

WHEELER THE JACKRABBIT
Oh, the saddest I've never seen
Would be a rabbit that could not hop
And rather than jump the rabbit would roll

Down...
Down...
Down...
Into the town,
A young man would frown...

But yet the bunny had brakes
And with them he came to a stop

PLUGGY DUCKY
If I were a bath item I'd be
A DUCK
I'd be played with, but not violated
LIKE SOAP
When the bath is drained, I wouldn't
BE STUCK
I could be the toy of choice of
THE POPE!

POROUS CABINETS
I got a jar
Of pig's pods pickled
I took one out and touched it
I wonder if it tickled...

AUTOBIOGRAFICUL LIMRIK
I am getting....
Into it....
Like....
Henry Ernesto's....
....
....
Family

BIRD SEED WIRE
The sad mudskipper ate his meal
And flipped around some more, ready to steal
Because you see, John, the 'skipper was a terrible thief
He got his best items from the coral reef.

CHALK CAULK
They need to invent modular heat
No need for coats, warm on your feet.
Oh wait, I'm confused...
It's portable not modular, that would be neat.

CLOSET FAUCET
I opened the door
I saw a mask
Of a scientist
With a flask

I DRIVE GOOD
I got my lie, since
The other day I gave it to another man
It's time to eat
For desert I'll call Fran
Why do you look at me like that?
Do I seem to have a crazy hat?

YOUR MEMORY
I will notice soon that your brain doesn't work
And when I tell you, don't be a jerk
I want to be as honest with you as I can
But please take the truth well Jan
I would like to tell you what you've done in the past
But if your memory is bad, you might forget again.

FLOOR TILE
I walk
I strut
I jump
Or yell in a rut

ENTER PRISE
My typewriter broke
The other day
I went to the next line
The enter key broke
I was melancholy
But later jolly
Because for my birthday
I got a new key

LIFE
If I were to compare life to
A machine
I'd not know where to start.
But if I thought
I believe
It would be a cathode-ray tube.

CAR WRECK
A hand is
A car...
At the end of
The arm highway...
Who will pass it?
Who will try?

BOTTOM STICKY NOTE
If I were sad,
I'd ponder about how
Luck am I.
The bottom sticky note
In a stack is neglected
And trampled
Like the ground.

SANITATION
Before you go to the laboratory
Wash your hands in the lavatory
That's the end of this story,
There are no more pages

MILLION-AIR
With millions of dollars
I'd buy lots of things.
Necklaces, potatoes,
Bread, and diamond rings!
But I have no money
And I am a loner!

HOSPITAL
Hospitals make
Me feel:
Sanitized,
Clean,
Special,
Sterile.

AWARD
I played da' game
One day!
I played da' stuff
Monday!
I had uh relee
Fun day!
I wish that we would have won.

PUMP
The hose in my yard:
I water the rose.
The nose on my face:
I smell the rose
Lucky rose,
It gets a lot of attention.

YOU'RE NOT NICE
I hate your presence
You are really mean
Why are you so dirty?
'Cause you're not clean!

PAPER PLATE
It helps me eat
It would help feet.
If I made shoes,
I could make a cleat!

BEAVER THE BOBCAT
In the harsh world of the jungle there are...
Things to know, plants do grow.
In the world of the bobcat,
There are tigers,
Don't name the baby "Beaver"!

THE BIRTH OF BIRDS
In a dome of heat,
The poor, starving children
Flourish.
Then, they are born again,
The dome removed.
And they engage in mud wrestling,
And die,
Bye bye!

LEND OUT YOUR FEAR
Give me your ears
Listen to me shriek!
Be very scared,
I am a freak.

SOFISTIKATED TED
John was a postmaster,
A good one you see.
He never went home,
Not even at 3:00!
Ted found his body,
A human raisin,
Gross!

OTTO THE MOTTO BOY
Otto was a sad little boy
He had a piece of paper,
His favorite toy,
It was laminated for him.
On it was his favorite motto,
"Sadness=Gladness"
Poor Otto!

GROUND WATER
Remember my good friend Stan?
Who's mother's name is Fran?
AWWWW, MAN!!!

EGG SALAD
Dude, I'm hawngry,
Man I want some food.
Misses Ma'am give me that porkchop
Never mind, that ain't good.
I want some salad,
With chicken embryos.
Thanks, that'll be swell!

AUTUMN
Every year I'd retreat back to
School.
And they'd exclaim WHAT I DID was
Cool!
But my summer never was
Good!
It was
Bad!

RULER OF PASTA BEAN
The yeasty noodle,
The beasty bean.
Both wanted to
Have a glassy sheen.
But their father, the chef,
Had better plans,
They were eaten.

JANITORS
I loved my school's maintenance guy,
He was the coolest dude ever!
You'd never see him working
(I thought that was clever)
Everyone else worked for themselves,
It was bad...
He was fired...
I'm tired...
Goodnight!

ADDRESSING A DEER
Be slow,
Don't glow.
Have fun,
Don't run!

FRAGMENTED BLOSSOM
Bust is to burst
As worse is to cursed.
Bad is to bad,
As purse is to first.
Or maybe not,
Don't ask me!

TWENTY PIECES OF JUICE
I went to the bar
It wasn't too far,
And I asked for
A piece of Juice!
"We're sorry son,
We have none!"
I cried!

MEMWARS TOO UHN OLD FREND DAT LEFF
I had me a good frend!
They was mo' den dat tuh me!
But mah' frend leff me and
Now I'm Lone-ly!
I'll never see mah frend agin I don't bee leev!
So Ay'll stay...
Quite Quiet!

REMEMBER THE CHILD
The boy, he would toss the football...
The boy, he would drink water from the stream.
The girl, she would live across the street.
The girl, she would throw sticks and stones.
Remember the children...
Have their images...
As sturdy as your bones

BRYAN'S SANDWICH
Add B to Ryan and out comes
Bryan
Only if the B doesn't sting
Add cheese to bread and cook real good.
Bryan loves his sandwich.

THE GOLDEN MISTRESS
Shiny, Glassy
Comfortable
The moniker monk
Malignantly
Ate Susan.

LARRY IN LOLLIPOP LAND
Larry liked licking pops!
Lollipops that is.
Larry laughed and licked a lot.
Lately he's licked too many
And he has a large ulcer!

THE FIRST TRY
I never have flown
It looks really scary
I never have driven
What's the need?
I really am thirsty
My stomach goes "Aaah!"
I think I'll have my first
Bite of Milk

ALLIGATOR SURFING
Alligator's gnashing mouth with teeth
Otto creeps....
Closer...

WHAM! The 'gator got hit
By a flying bird, not the walking kind...

I'm glad Otto had his camera.
We'll laugh
At this alligator

A MEAGER MORSEL - THE STARVING EPOCH EPIC
"Oh joy," cried the boy
"Oh rapture, look what we've captured."
The little boar is in their cage
Is he full of rage?

The starved childs and adults of
Slovakianville
Have food for now.
They eat.

In the morning, the caged animal has...
"Where'd it go," cried the boy
"We have no more joy!"
They hunt in the garbage for candy.

It, the year 1702 in Slovakianville
Has driven all the animals out, they were killed.
The inhabitants have no morsel
Not a meager morsel.

A meager morsel, that's all they want
But when they receive one, they eat and forget
Eat and forget
Eat and... remember!

"That pig was good," cried the boy
"Yeah! Yay! Yah!"
They knew about the luck they had
And they were glad!

The storms would come and go again
And they believed, "We're gonna have grub"
But the lightning hit
And burned up their hunting clubs...

Poor Slovakianville, they'll be in our thoughts
And all the eating battles they've fought
If only they could have better been taught
To hunt better.

The rations won't be there,
They will be sad
After the boar made them glad...

Food, the morsels...
Pray for

The Slovakianville people!