The Evolution of TurkeyWorld.org
It was March, 2001. In December of the previous year,
a brilliant, no-flaws idea came into my head...
I WAS GOING TO MAKE A WEBSITE
ABOUT TURKEYS FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF A BOGUS ORGANIZATION DEDICATED TO
TURKEYS TO ATTRACT VISITORS AND THEREFORE GET INTEREST IN MY MUSIC!
It was the smartest thing ANYONE HAD EVER decided to do
(since the beginning of time). There were no downfalls to it, like no
one would ever think that it was an advertisement and it had
a very corporate feel to it, further leading it into the minds of others
as real! Yes, all of that was saracastic. Don't believe me? Here's
an example of something I had written on it to make it appear very
extremely professional and unbiased...
"MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE MUSIC
SECTION. A REVOLUTIONARY NEW ACT IS SPROUTING OUT OF THERE."
Written in bold, ALL-CAPS, this statement would definitely
jar the minds of anyone attempting to believe it was real. Did I budge
by this thought though? No, I sadly kept going. I created an entire
site that was based around me, but still turkeys. It got worse and worse...
People started believing I really liked turkeys. It was like I had buried
Here are some excerpts from the website, unedited... I
hope you enjoy them...
TEXT FROM THE "OUR MISSION" PAGE
|As you go through your day, you
probably don't hear much about Turkeys anywhere, unless there are
callbacks on contaminated Turkey, or unless it is Turkey hunting
season. The truth is that no one seems to care at all about them.
Chicken on the other hand is used everywhere. People collect chicken
memorabilia, and complain about too much consumption of chickens
going on, but not Turkeys.
The truth is that there are no special events
for Turkeys, except for 2:
- which actually is more of a celebration of Turkey hatred. Come
on, people eat them on this day. That shows a lot of praise and
- Three strikes is named a Turkey. The only problem with that
is that the National Bowling Convention has recently revealed
to a select few that that is meant for bad luck to discourage
a fourth strike. Again, an example of Turkey hatred. :-(
So, this is where we come in. We, unlike all of
our opponents, understand this need and feel that we should make
everyone aware that Turkeys are important too. Heck, if we hadn't
become the most powerful animals on Earth, it would have definitely
been the Turkey.
Also, as expressed by Alex Wroten in Turkey's
Revenge, we feel that if the segregation of Turkeys continues,
they might try to overthrow our reign o'er things.
Current proposals from the upper legislature of
this organization are:
- Requesting government permission to allow Turkeys drivers licenses
and the ability to vote and nominate candidates for governmental
- Pushing the admission of Turkeys to public schools.
Make sure to always check back for the updates to these proposals.
For suggestions on new abilities that should be requested, please
suggest them in the forums or by email to the president of the
members and vice president.
Notice the mention of my album already? Everything else is far too ridiculous. There is
more, however... much more...
EXCERPTS FROM THE "MEMBERS" SECTION
|"Since TurkeyWorld.org reaches such an
extensive number of fans, vegetarians, cows, and robots, we felt
that there was a need to expand our committee of writers and technical
support aliens. Thus, we created the ability for devoted fans to
become members of the TurkeyWorld.organization. If you want to become
a member, or are unsure if you want to or not, sign up at the bottom
of this page."
|Information on sign
1. BENEFITS - When you become a member of TurkeyWorld.org,
you receive a free, printable card with your information so you
can carry it around in your wallet, wave it around, or even go
to Best Buy and see if they will give you discounts for having
2. DELAY - Once you sign up, it may take a day or two
for you to become officially memberfied. Upon memberfication,
you will gain the respect of all others who are behind you on
the waiting list for jumping on the bandwagon first.
3. PRIVILEGES - Once you are memberfied, and you gain
the respect of the president, vice president, you will feel happy.
Also, once memberfied, you can submit articles, thoughts, and
even saliva samples through email so that they may be shared with
Sorry, you get no more.
|TERMS OF AGREEMENT
1. You agree that you will not submit any articles that you didn't
write yourself, without giving the web address so the upper legislature
may request permission for publication.
2. You will respect all Turkeys that you meet from now on. If
you do not, we will send Al Gore to your house to search for white
gloves. This applies even if you have no white gloves!
3. You will not suddenly combust into disrespectful cows without
a warning to the upper legislature.
4. (The hardest one) You will not use your privilege of memberdom
to oppress others.
Yes, that's right... There were membership cards... I would actually create them in Adobe Photodeluxe (didn't have Photoshop yet) and
send them to people in email if they signed up (surprisingly, only around 5 of my
friends signed up....hmmm). If I wasn't YET stupid enough and self-indulgent
enough (which I was), how about this...?
EXCERPTS FROM THE PAGE
"LOOSE ENDS AND THINGS THAT NEED TO BE ADDRESSED"
On many websites, you will see a section entitled FAQ (Frequently
Asked Questions). In order to be different and prevent such a
section from occurring, we thought that it would be brilliant
to answer these questions before needing to be asked. In the end,
you will probably thank us for saving you the time of not having
to email us or wait for a response. Make sure to read these because
you might eventually have the same question, and it is a hassle
to answer the same question 30 times...
Here are the questions:
Q: What exactly is this affiliation with
A: Well, this seems like a strange one, but it
isn't. Being one of our most avid supporters, and an excellent
musician, he was working on an album entitled Turkey's Revenge
at the time we conceived this site, and we offered to put it
on the site, along with ad space around it. He accepted, and
then offered to get us some easier-to-configure webspace on
LuWixon.com so we could use the CGI mail script in a few pages
(though most scripts are written in ASP)
Q: Why does this site have odd things
like "technical support aliens" and other strange
things like that? Also, why in the heck do you have pictures
of Turkeys being cut up by huge knives?
A: Our visitors must know that this organization's
mission won't be supported by everyone, but we attempt to entice
them in anyway with some sprinkled comedy here and there. Now
as for the bird picture thing, we found them on the Butterball
Turkey webpage and the only reason we put them around is to
prove our mission: Turkeys are treated terribly.
Q: Where is this organization located,
so I can come to a meeting or meet some people in it?
A: This is the reason we had to put together this
site. We can easily chat and meet here on the internet, and
our unknown cause that used to be located in Nevada would be
spread better. Also, Craig and Oscar were living in totally
opposite states. As for meeting, go to the chatroom every friday
and look for CraigJeff. Becoming a member helps also.... hint
I'm humiliated that I actually believed that this was
a good idea! I actually thought that this plan was fool-proof and I
would be recognized as one of the top webmasters in the world for creating
it. Fortunately I wasn't. There would have been a large beat-myself-up
festival if I had... I can pretty much feel the stupid seventh grader in my explanations. Who cares about the webspace on LuWixon.com? Gosh.
I hope this has satisfied your curiosity about the occurrence
of TurkeyWorld.org. Looking back on the site, I'm even happier with
I will now leave you with one last excerpt (one that proved
my humor was on top of the world)...
EXCERPT FROM THE "EMAIL CONTACT" PAGE
|Here at TurkeyWorld.org, we feel that convenience
is our #4 goal, So, to prove it to you, we aren't going to make
you configure your default email address, blah, blah, blah. You
can email us straight from this form! Don't worry, it will reach
us very quickly, and as long as you supply the correct email address,
you will be responded to in less than 8 weeks! Not really, more
like 1-3 days. Sorry for the delay, but we all have day jobs right?
Right... We all do... especially you...
This is the old TurkeyWorld.org T-Shirt! So good!
About four months later, I moved on from Turkey's Revenge. There was no need to keep up this ridiculous turkey charade after it, so I turned this site into webspace for my band and my software. Then, when I was about to have to pay for my webspace again, I made it into what it is now: me making fun of meself!