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The Evolution of TurkeyWorld.org

It was March, 2001. In December of the previous year, a brilliant, no-flaws idea came into my head...

I WAS GOING TO MAKE A WEBSITE ABOUT TURKEYS FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF A BOGUS ORGANIZATION DEDICATED TO TURKEYS TO ATTRACT VISITORS AND THEREFORE GET INTEREST IN MY MUSIC!

It was the smartest thing ANYONE HAD EVER decided to do (since the beginning of time). There were no downfalls to it, like no one would ever think that it was an advertisement and it had a very corporate feel to it, further leading it into the minds of others as real! Yes, all of that was saracastic. Don't believe me? Here's an example of something I had written on it to make it appear very extremely professional and unbiased...

"MAKE SURE TO CHECK OUT THE MUSIC SECTION. A REVOLUTIONARY NEW ACT IS SPROUTING OUT OF THERE."

Written in bold, ALL-CAPS, this statement would definitely jar the minds of anyone attempting to believe it was real. Did I budge by this thought though? No, I sadly kept going. I created an entire site that was based around me, but still turkeys. It got worse and worse... People started believing I really liked turkeys. It was like I had buried myself alive!!!!

Here are some excerpts from the website, unedited... I hope you enjoy them...

TEXT FROM THE "OUR MISSION" PAGE
As you go through your day, you probably don't hear much about Turkeys anywhere, unless there are callbacks on contaminated Turkey, or unless it is Turkey hunting season. The truth is that no one seems to care at all about them. Chicken on the other hand is used everywhere. People collect chicken memorabilia, and complain about too much consumption of chickens going on, but not Turkeys.

The truth is that there are no special events for Turkeys, except for 2:
Thanksgiving - which actually is more of a celebration of Turkey hatred. Come on, people eat them on this day. That shows a lot of praise and respect. :-(

Bowling - Three strikes is named a Turkey. The only problem with that is that the National Bowling Convention has recently revealed to a select few that that is meant for bad luck to discourage a fourth strike. Again, an example of Turkey hatred. :-(

So, this is where we come in. We, unlike all of our opponents, understand this need and feel that we should make everyone aware that Turkeys are important too. Heck, if we hadn't become the most powerful animals on Earth, it would have definitely been the Turkey.

Also, as expressed by Alex Wroten in Turkey's Revenge, we feel that if the segregation of Turkeys continues, they might try to overthrow our reign o'er things.

Current proposals from the upper legislature of this organization are:

  • Requesting government permission to allow Turkeys drivers licenses and the ability to vote and nominate candidates for governmental offices.
  • Pushing the admission of Turkeys to public schools.

Make sure to always check back for the updates to these proposals. For suggestions on new abilities that should be requested, please suggest them in the forums or by email to the president of the members and vice president.

Notice the mention of my album already? Everything else is far too ridiculous. There is more, however... much more...

EXCERPTS FROM THE "MEMBERS" SECTION
"Since TurkeyWorld.org reaches such an extensive number of fans, vegetarians, cows, and robots, we felt that there was a need to expand our committee of writers and technical support aliens. Thus, we created the ability for devoted fans to become members of the TurkeyWorld.organization. If you want to become a member, or are unsure if you want to or not, sign up at the bottom of this page."
Information on sign up:

1. BENEFITS - When you become a member of TurkeyWorld.org, you receive a free, printable card with your information so you can carry it around in your wallet, wave it around, or even go to Best Buy and see if they will give you discounts for having it.

2. DELAY - Once you sign up, it may take a day or two for you to become officially memberfied. Upon memberfication, you will gain the respect of all others who are behind you on the waiting list for jumping on the bandwagon first.

3. PRIVILEGES - Once you are memberfied, and you gain the respect of the president, vice president, you will feel happy. Also, once memberfied, you can submit articles, thoughts, and even saliva samples through email so that they may be shared with all others.

NEED MORE?

Sorry, you get no more.

TERMS OF AGREEMENT FOR SIGN-UP:
1. You agree that you will not submit any articles that you didn't write yourself, without giving the web address so the upper legislature may request permission for publication.

2. You will respect all Turkeys that you meet from now on. If you do not, we will send Al Gore to your house to search for white gloves. This applies even if you have no white gloves!

3. You will not suddenly combust into disrespectful cows without a warning to the upper legislature.

4. (The hardest one) You will not use your privilege of memberdom to oppress others.

Yes, that's right... There were membership cards... I would actually create them in Adobe Photodeluxe (didn't have Photoshop yet) and send them to people in email if they signed up (surprisingly, only around 5 of my friends signed up....hmmm). If I wasn't YET stupid enough and self-indulgent enough (which I was), how about this...?

EXCERPTS FROM THE PAGE
"LOOSE ENDS AND THINGS THAT NEED TO BE ADDRESSED"
On many websites, you will see a section entitled FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions). In order to be different and prevent such a section from occurring, we thought that it would be brilliant to answer these questions before needing to be asked. In the end, you will probably thank us for saving you the time of not having to email us or wait for a response. Make sure to read these because you might eventually have the same question, and it is a hassle to answer the same question 30 times...

Here are the questions:


Q: What exactly is this affiliation with Alex Wroten?

A: Well, this seems like a strange one, but it isn't. Being one of our most avid supporters, and an excellent musician, he was working on an album entitled Turkey's Revenge at the time we conceived this site, and we offered to put it on the site, along with ad space around it. He accepted, and then offered to get us some easier-to-configure webspace on LuWixon.com so we could use the CGI mail script in a few pages (though most scripts are written in ASP)


Q: Why does this site have odd things like "technical support aliens" and other strange things like that? Also, why in the heck do you have pictures of Turkeys being cut up by huge knives?

A: Our visitors must know that this organization's mission won't be supported by everyone, but we attempt to entice them in anyway with some sprinkled comedy here and there. Now as for the bird picture thing, we found them on the Butterball Turkey webpage and the only reason we put them around is to prove our mission: Turkeys are treated terribly.


Q: Where is this organization located, so I can come to a meeting or meet some people in it?

A: This is the reason we had to put together this site. We can easily chat and meet here on the internet, and our unknown cause that used to be located in Nevada would be spread better. Also, Craig and Oscar were living in totally opposite states. As for meeting, go to the chatroom every friday and look for CraigJeff. Becoming a member helps also.... hint - hint...

I'm humiliated that I actually believed that this was a good idea! I actually thought that this plan was fool-proof and I would be recognized as one of the top webmasters in the world for creating it. Fortunately I wasn't. There would have been a large beat-myself-up festival if I had... I can pretty much feel the stupid seventh grader in my explanations. Who cares about the webspace on LuWixon.com? Gosh.

I hope this has satisfied your curiosity about the occurrence of TurkeyWorld.org. Looking back on the site, I'm even happier with this incarnation.

I will now leave you with one last excerpt (one that proved my humor was on top of the world)...

EXCERPT FROM THE "EMAIL CONTACT" PAGE
Here at TurkeyWorld.org, we feel that convenience is our #4 goal, So, to prove it to you, we aren't going to make you configure your default email address, blah, blah, blah. You can email us straight from this form! Don't worry, it will reach us very quickly, and as long as you supply the correct email address, you will be responded to in less than 8 weeks! Not really, more like 1-3 days. Sorry for the delay, but we all have day jobs right?

Right... We all do... especially you...


This is the old TurkeyWorld.org T-Shirt! So good!

About four months later, I moved on from Turkey's Revenge. There was no need to keep up this ridiculous turkey charade after it, so I turned this site into webspace for my band and my software. Then, when I was about to have to pay for my webspace again, I made it into what it is now: me making fun of meself!