Price Tag
Make a Movie!
Evolution of Turkey World
Cycled Pixel Theory
Legend of Woolsey
What I Wrote Back Then
Henry Ernesto
The Best Emails
Mister Tister
How to Hack a Website
Compact Disc Hunt

I Used to Write Stories

Being deprived of video games as a child and having restrictions on internet access (that is, once we finally got internet access) proved extremely beneficial to me later in life. Instead of wasting my time frying in front of some sort of screen, I spent time drawing pictures and typing on my mom's typewriter. I created a series of books (very short), called Tornado Bob, when I was in first grade. In second grade, I grew ever closer to music and along with the short little stories I wrote, song lyrics entered my writing style. Third grade was completely engulfed by lyrics, especially for Price Tag, but in fourth grade, my teacher had many creative writing assignments in the mornings, and I started writing slightly more intelligible stories.

Though I haven't seen Tornado Bob since about third grade, I recently stumbled across some of my elementary school writings:

(circa second or third grade)

This gripping tale, the two-part story of Pomcert, exhibits some amazing onomatopoeia and stream-of-conciousness expression. The only punctuation mark I knew how to use was the exclamation point, and I thought that yawn and cough were spelled yan and coffe. It's a pretty amazing tale, though, and at least exhibits none of the rhyming that eventually plagued my existence.

But what sort of song lyrics was I writing? Clearly, with the imagination that has a narcoleptic character offering a stranger toys, I had some ideas.

(third grade)

Don't you remember that awesome handwriting paper? Too bad I never recorded this gem. Notice how the main two lines of the piece rhyme? That's only going to get worse.

Click here to read "Krazy House"

Recently one of my friends summed up the world quite well by saying, "I'm really tired of Cs being replaced with Ks." I kind of remember having the obsession of making different versions of lyrics... maybe so I could pick the best later? "Krazy House" doesn't have its second version written on this page, but for your enjoyment, I have crafted a new second version based on the main ideas from the original:

Really looking out the window,
I hope it doesn't really snow.

First and foremost, my song lyrics HAD to rhyme; secondly, they had to make sense. That second place is a very distant requirement, but you knew that didn't you? Eventually my songs grew to have over twelve different words in them:

(circa third or fourth grade)

I'm absolutely positive I never read over "leave me alone" after I wrote it. It means nothing. I know I didn't want to be left alone; I guess it just made a good song subject? One thing I'm particularly fond of is the attempt to lengthen alone to "aalloonnneee" (aloney?) and add "yea yea" into it. That makes it Bruce-Springsteen-special. Fortunately for everyone, though based on my work I don't know how I made an A in English, I made it into fourth grade... and I sort of calmed down on the lyrics in turn for short stories.

(fourth grade)

Perhaps you have noticed, "Our Dog and the Hurt Kid" was a vocabulary assignment. The idea was to work in all of our vocabulary words into a story. I used to LOVE those assignments, but that doesn't mean that my stories were particularly amazing. Before I forget, let me alert you as to what the 22 means... that's what I got on the assignment out of 100. Not really. In our class, we were each assigned numbers according to where we placed based on our last names. Mine was 22, and I eventually started to work in the 22 into my x.

(fourth grade)

You notice that I like to write things about dogs? I didn't have a dog, and I don't remember particularly wanting a dog. Half of our writing assignments were prompted with pictures on the overhead projector, so for those (such as "Sick Doggy"), I have a reason. There were many other dog-based literatures that I scribed, but the next is bird-based.

(fourth grade)

Cooked Turkey? I guess that's some figurative language (turkeys don't fly into your microwave ever... never ever), and perhaps it is a precursor to why this website has its domain name? My favorite part of this story is how since someone accidentally turns on their microwave then EATS then bird that they accidentally cooked. Note to self: sew and sue aren't the same. I need to remember that. Though it seems a great deal strange to have another turkey story immediately after the last, the next one was prompted by Thanksgiving. Before you go any farther, know this: I was a pseudo-hippie in fourth grade. I loved Jimi Hendrix super badly, and I wore tie-die all the time. I was pretty much the coolest kid. Ever.

(fourth grade)

There are so many problems with this story, it's unbelievable, but I actually had to read it a lot in class because my teacher liked it so much. Like a true rock musician, I thought, "Hey, people like this, I should record it." As one of the songs on Price Tag's Peace, I read this story as Chris played the drums. It doesn't get any better than that !1!1!!!111111!!

Probably due to the recent news of the International Space Station and the Mars Rover, I became extremely obsessed with space (luckily mostly subconsciously). Perhaps you have watched A Boy And A Dream? That was only the beginning of my space craze. Possibly in order to quantify the existence of the film, I wrote a follow-up story explaining a few of its details entitled "In Mars."

Click here to read "In Mars"

Very few of my friends watched the movie counterpart to this story, and perhaps that's a good thing. Maybe now you understand what the movie was aiming for? Probably not. I don't either. Shortly afterwards, we were assigned some longer writing assignment, and I took this opportunity to create a masterpiece: SPACE STORIES!

Story 1: The Little Man that Couldn't

      Most people know the story of "The Little Engine That Could". Well, this story is a little different. John was working at the sewage plant on a sunny Thursday in May, 3997, and he called his secretary Tim. Tim did not come. So, like in lots of stories, John wanted to find out where Tim was. The first thing he tried was calling Tim's house. Tim answered, "Hello, John?" "Yes, this is John." "Well good because, I have to tell you that I'm stuck in something. " "What?" "Well, you see, I kind of poured super glue in my cabinet and I accidentally stuck my hands in it." "Then how did you answer the phone." "With my feet." "Your feet?" "Yes, well any way ..." "Just shut up for right now and listen. " John said, "Just think and say I think I can, I think I can and just repeat it. "
      Well it all turned out that he got his hands unstuck. But the phone overreacted and they both got sucked into the sun and burnt to a crisp.

Story 2: The Flying Dogs?

      "You're stupid," said Toshia to Chris. Chris immediately answered, "No Jim not." "I know I was just being silly." "Well, okay," said Chris. Toshia started to run and she yelled back, "I was LYING." Chris ran back after her. They didn't notice all the cylinder shaped shadows.
      The rest of that day, it just got darker and darker. By 12:00 p.m. the next, it was so dark you couldn't see in your own house. Chris opened his microwave and oodles and oodles of hot dogs fell on him. They were so powerful, the knocked him all the way down to his basement.
      Meanwhile, Toshia was trying to call Chris but, since Chris was knocked out by the hot dogs, he thought he saw a chili dog flying straight at him. It liftd up and just missed his face.
      Also, outside, nobody noticed that the earth was starting to look like hot dog skin. Chris finally got up and heard the telephone ringing but, by the time he got tot the phone, it stopped. Since that happened, he ran outside and coincidentally , Toshia did too. They couldn't see so they both went back and got flashlights and, when they came back outside they could see. They couldn't believe they could really see. They met each other in between the road. Hot Dogs seemed to be walking down a side walk when it passed Toshia and Chris it said "Hi." They answered with "Hi," and Chris said "Do you have a craving for mustard like me?"

(fourth grade, retyped EXACTLY)

Poor grammar and awkward paragraph structure plague these stories, but that is sort of to be expected from a fourth grader. The thing that comes as a shock, though, is that neither of these stories have much to do with space, yet they are called SPACE STORIES! The first one mentions a celestial object in the last sentence, and the hot dog story is more sci-fi. Oh well, at least I was thinking about space all of the time. That makes up for it. There were many more space-related stories, but you've got limited time... time to change gears.

(fourth grade)

Immediately after finishing and naming my first album, Help the Insane, I wrote this poem/song. It has nothing to do with that album; It's just plain good. Another thing I found a great time writing about, when I wasn't thinking about music or space, was school. That's where I was when I wrote this stuff, so it makes sense that I would write about it when I was out of ideas. Here's an exemplary work:

(fourth grade)

I continued to write after fourth grade. It basically got me interested in writing as a whole. Fortunately, I pretty much stopped writing song lyrics after fourth grade (at least ones of this caliber - they got much better), but my interest in creative writing is essentially why I made this website what it is: me writing about things that actually happened to me in humorous fashion. Perhaps one day I'll get some scans of Tornado Bob?