Fifth grade had just ended for myself and
Joe-Bob. At this point, we were still across-the-street-neighbors, and
Joe had just decided he was to be an actor. Around this time, he had earned
the lead role of the film Kudzula,
and my sister and I decided that it was time to make a movie with our
oh-so-talented neighbor. Unfortunately for all, we decided we would come
up with little skit ideas and film them as we decided, and each day we
would edit our new material into the greater whole, called The Adventures
And so it started, a lot of the inspiration
of the time was that we were tired of the hand-crafted dart board we had
created days earlier, and Joe wanted more to do than repeatedly beat Zelda
4... well maybe he didn't really care, but we sure did!
The one joining factor for all of our video
skits was that our toy POOF
airplane would be featured in each. Many of the small skits were based
solely on the plane, however, and the whole project suffered.
Joe eats flowers after acting sad... Zoe dances in the background...
At the time, we crafted music and recorded dialogue over
the originals, and would update our parents daily on our amazing progress.
In the end, however, which we did NOT realize at the time, most of our
video skits involved retarded, artsy video techniques, like being filmed
upside down or sideways or filmed with the camera's effects on, including...
Joe makes a very disturbing face while I play a metal piano.
My yard, square.
Even those with plots turned out to be half of what we saw
in our heads (and those visions were crap to begin with). The final film
in the end clocked in at around 45 minutes, but we had recorded many ideas
which failed 100% and didn't stay in the final, and at the time, we were
embarassed by enough of them to desire to cut them out after the project
was finished... I had a remedy.
How's that for an exciting plot?
Two years after The Adventures of Joe had been finished,
I had a computer equipped with enough to remaster the film for
Video CD! I knew nothing about Video CDs however, so I failed completely
in following the format. What I did manage to do, though, is cut out all
of the videos that my sister and I found embarrassing, and I re-edited
some of them to make them less choppy (very few). I also redid much of
the music of the original videos with terrible, royalty-free Acid samples
based on the originals. I also created snazzy credits with some 3D text
But no one ever got to see this redone version of the video
except Joe. My computer had nearly no storage on it, so I had to capture
each scene separately then encode it into MPEG video for Video CD. After
I had completely finished, I ruined the whole project (for 98% of computers)
by binary copying all of the MPEG files together to join them into one
larger file... this is all jibba' jabba'... Anyway, I was unable to use
this remastered version to ever put on this site.
UNTIL NOW!!! Using my advanced computer knowledge and a
hex editor, I have recovered this remastered version of The Adventures
of Joe for your viewing pleasure. You can now see for yourself why most
fifth graders who make movies later destroy their earlier endeavours...
Maybe someday I'll get some of the "lost" videos from the project
on here... but don't count on it.
The Adventures of Joe
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!
You honestly wouldn't expect that we parted ways there,
would you? We had another project deep in the loins which had to be as
fully expressed as a dominant allele! Based on Emerson,
Lake, and Palmer's album artwork for Tarkus, in The Adventures of
Joe, we created multiple skits and sequels of an armadillo which kills
Joe, and we called them Tarkus I through Tarkus XV or whatever...
So, naturally, we made a MOVIE! Utilizing some of ELP's
music (but not the song Tarkus, oddly enough), we established in The Adventures
of Joe that EVERY time The Enemy God Dances With the Black Spirits...
started, trouble was near! This movie expanded on that idea by following
scientists as they attempt to discover just what the creature is... and
how to destroy it!
A scientist visits the site of two dead bodies... Could
it be... TARKUS!?
This video was actually never edited into a movie until
I discovered it on my sister's camera in 7th grade, while remastering
The Adventures of Joe. For that same, shameful "release," I
put together an edited version of TARKUS THE MOVIE! It's not good. It's
nearly unintelligible, but it has a good enough plot for a hollywood movie.
Maybe they'll pick it up?
TARKUS!!! The Movie
This is how Tarkus was finally destroyed by
Who would've thought? Stale Cereal!
Joe and I never really got along during this time. It could
be attributed to how stupid and douchey we both were. In fact, that's
exactly what it was. Due to our inability to remain friendly, however
(and fortunately), no more "Joe" movies were made in this time
period. That didn't stop us from LOVING the video camera!
Sam Spear, drummer for my band Price Tag, was our next fresh
meat. We had completed a "practice" session for the day (in
other words, we had been recording. Price Tag
NEVER practiced), and we decided that it was time to MAKE MOVIE!!!!!!
This is the White House - and the President. Not kidding.
The story of this next video, titled "The Hippie Robber,"
is that there is a Hippie Robber in "Townville," and The White
House discovers this. They send a doofus to capture him, but that doesn't
work. On top of all of this, the President is a drunkard. Sounds good,
huh? Well it is! Sam plays all characters in this movie except for the
poor woman who gets a painting stolen (my sister).
The robber likes to lick things before he steals them.
The whole film was done in order, no edits. It was also
unscripted... but then again, you would have known that!
The Hippie Robber
I almost feel bad for those who didn't request for this to be on my site,
but they agreed to do it, and the camera stole their souls.